If I am married to a woman who is loved, adored, admired, and respected by many, how would I feel, I asked myself during a walk on the beach. I believe that it would not be easy for me to become quickly comfortable with that feeling, but overall I would feel that I am the luckiest man in this world.
What if I am married to a woman who has been touched by more than one men? How would I feel? If it was the past, it was the past. If I marry her, that means I mind it not because those were the past before she and I know each other.
Respect yourself and know how to treat yourself with respect. That’s more than enough of a gift that a woman I love can give me.
Then as I kept strolling down the beach, I thought for a moment of past cases where adults are trapped in children’s body, and childish mind trapped in adult’s body. Age, truly, is not a good guide in determining a person’s maturity. A person can have the body of a well-endowed 25 years old woman, but her mind might be trapped in a teenage girl of 17. And it made me think.
Why?
Is she running away from some things (from the past? the present? or the future)? Is she trying to hide her insecurity over her present and future? If she is, she is trying too hard to hide it that it shows too evidently in the day to day life.
She becomes who she truly is only when she is away from people. In my view, it means she is not ready to face the world, or she hasn’t come to the point in life to make that important decision to move on forward. She is still hesitating about which road to take in her life. She is still uncomfortable to make that strong statement to the world that whatever the world wants to say about her, she knows who she is, and she isn’t afraid to show who she is. She isn’t ready yet.
I asked myself whether that person was right in saying that I would be a good guide for her? I wondered whether I would be a good role model for her? My way of doings suit me ok in general, but I do not know whether it would suit others, especially her.
Everytime I see her, my mind and heart do feel somewhat worried. I wondered whether she would one day dare to face her inner self in the future… If she could, I believe I might be curious over the ‘when’ and ‘how’. I also wondered what life has in store for her in the future…
I wondered why we should mask who we are in our daily lives. LIfe has too many ups and downs, and we don’t need to create an extra baggage to carry to make it heavier. A part of me felt like hugging her, protecting her, to face that future together. But a part of me said no. She isn’t ready yet. Heck, she might even have someone else in her heart and mind. Someone I know, maybe….? Hahahaha. Just kiddin’ (internal joke).
I will start calculating how much money I need to pursue my Master Degree soon. Once that’s done, I need to calculate how much money I need for the airplane tickets, and other expenses. I believe I am near ready to pursue my Master’s Degree. This was the moment I have been waiting for, after I graduated in August 2001. This stage in my life, shall henceforth be known as The Confirmation or, The Reckoning Part I.
TN and BDG said that if a woman really love me, she would come with me if I asked her to come with me. They may be right, I presume…
Seven years ago I asked someone to come with me, she refused. She refused not because she didn’t love me, but because she loved me too much not to want to cause an extra burden on me. So she took a gamble. Told me a big lie which hurt deeply, and succeeded with her gamble. But the gamble she took costed her dearly, too. I told her then that if I ever found out she lied to me there would be no open door for her. Back then, she was so determined to succeed in her gamble, that she stubbornly said that she didn’t lie to me. So… I thought to myself in 2004 when I met her again in Jakarta, this was what was meant by ‘irony’. By then, it was already too late for her. Asking me for a chance to meet doesn’t change anything for her. Doesn’t change my decision. I have never regretted the decision I made in 1999. The day when my heart was pierced by a thousand needles. I understood and accepted her intention was good. But her method was cruel.
Anyway, I made two calculations for two scenarios (based on two variables). By end June 2007, the difference is US$ 1,031.52. By end December 2007, the difference is US$ 1,575.54 (assuming a constant of US$ 1 = Rp. 9,200 from June 2006 to June 2007, and from June 2006 to December of 2007). I am afraid my goal to visit the Olympic held in 2008, China, needs to be deleted out of the equation for the more important matter. Hahahaha!
If I go in June of 2007, I am taking a heavier risk, and the safest way is to get a 3 months loan from my cousin in Hong Kong. If I go in December of 2007, I am taking a medium risk, but I don’t need to get a loan from my cousin. It would purely be from my hard-earned money.
This current consideration reminds me of an old acquaintance I met during my early Freshman - Sophomore years in college. He was around 35 years old when he pursued his Bachelor Degree in Computer Systems Engineering in Arizona State University. It took him more than 6 years to save up the money to invest in a Bachelor Degree. So he took a gamble from Hong Kong to USA. Finally, he used his hard-earned money again to invest in his Master’s Degree. Another 1 1/2 years of investment. In total, he invested at least 11 1/2 years of his life. 6 years to save up the money for his Bachelor’s Degree. 4 years to complete his Bachelor’s Degree. And another 1 1/2 year to complete his Master’s Degree. He would be around 39 to 40 1/2 years old by the time he finished his Master’s Degree.
I would be turning 30 by November of 2006. If I chose the second scenario, I would be pursuing my Master’s Degree at the age of 31. And I would graduate and receive my MBA at the age of 32 1/2 years old.
This, a part of me regretted.
The few things which a part of me regretted in my life. I spent way too much time living in uncertainty, hesitation, and childish way of thinking during my early adult years. In the end, I have whittled away so many years. My childish way of thinking, my uncertainty, my hesitation costed me dearly for the first time of my adult life. The first regret of my adult life.
By fact, I could have have finished my Bachelor’s Degree at the age of 21 1/2 (mid 1998). That would mean I might have escaped the effects of the Economic Crisis which made my father nearly bankrupt. And I could have finished my Master’s Degree at the age of 23 (mid 2000). That means, in reality, I might have wasted at least 4 (four) years of my life in terms of the context of finishing my education up to the MBA level.
My childish way of thinking, my uncertainty, my hesitation costed me dearly for the first time of my life. Coupled with the Southeast Asian Economic Crisis in 1997 - 1998 which made the situation even worst than I have briefly described here. It costed me dearly.
The second time that something I did have costed me dearly was in-between October of 2004 to July of 2005. I wallowed too long in sadness, rage, and despair over my brother’s death. I let myself drowned too long in a self-made prison. That stupidity costed me someone who loved me dearly, and it costed me nearly 1 (one) year of my adult life. And even if she still love me, I do not think it is possible for me to ask her to give me, and to give both of us another chance. Besides, I have moved on with my life. She should, too. This was the second regret of my adult life. In total, I have spent at least 5 (five) years of my adult life being unproductive. I wasted five years of my life. I wasted five years of my adult time in this world. My only consolations were these: 1999 - 2001 were the most productive years of my academic period; 2002 - 2003 were the most beautiful period when I met my ex; February 2003 to August 2003 were the most precious moment because I got to spend it with my parents, my brother, and my youngest sister (my second sister was in Arizona); 2006 was the year I healed completely, and met and got re-acquainted with some wonderful people in my life. 2006 was also the year when I stubbornly took that step, to pursue something that hurt my heart on more than one occasion, by liking someone whom I have critically considered as unsuitable for me four months in advance (I do not regret the decision to like her; I do not regret teh decision to tell her I like her; I do not regret the fact that she told me she has no feelings for me; It made me a better person for some unknown reason/s).
But, a part of me do not regret every bad choices/decisions which I have made in the past. It was I who made those stupid decisions, I have to learn to live with it. So I faced it, and moved on. That was another part of me. The part that does not regret anything and everything in my life. The part that moves on, and takes the bad steps I made in life with a pinch of salt (or was it a grain of salt? waaah, blurry moment of recollecting the correct phrase… hahahahah).
Ok, then. It begins June of 2006. This is …mmm….. the third or the fourth chapter in my new book (of my current life after August of 2005), maybe….? A new chapter begins on June 2006. I will try my best to divert my focus, energy, and commitment for that one single goal in 2007. May 2006 was a prologue piece to the new chapter that is to begin on June of 2006.
Failure makes me a more determined person. Bad decisions make me a wiser person. Pains make me a stronger person. My past makes me a better person.
My name, is, Andrias. I have very few regrets in my life. And…., I have made another decision. I have this one goal to achieve! So ready or not, here I come! Rain, shine, thunder be! Like those waves that came rolling and rumbling towards me in Pelabuhan Ratu. The waves sez, "Ready or not…………. Here……………………………………………………………. I come, baby!"
Life is great!
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Andrias Y.
May 22, 2006
