Andrias Yose

     The last few days I spent a few hours clicking on the television channel. Click after click, channel after channel, I saw new faces, younger people. After a few days like this, I felt it was déjà vu all over again.
    As a teenager and young adult growing up, I would at times envisioned myself, or immersed myself in deep psychologically focused and imaginative trance-mode. In this state, I would explore the possible psyche of other people, but the main prerogative was my parents.
     In this state, too, I was able to imagine who they were in the past, how they came to be who they were, and the decisions they made consciously and subconsciously which finally led them to where they are now today.
     I dwell in this, if you can call it so, a mind hypnotization, because I wanted to know why my parents acted and behaved they way they did when I was a child. I wanted to know and understand the further past to better understand my past in order to make sense of my present. Little did I know, this practice of mind hypnotize gave me something else entirely unexpected. I will reveal more on this later.
     Through this means, I understand more and more about my parents past, until finally I came to the conclusion that as existence ordained it, and as choices/decisions have shaped and bent its courses, so shall, too, be mine as well. I came to be finally at peace with my parents’ past and my past somewhere when I was in my mid twenties.
     Now in my early thirties, thirty-one to be exact, I can’t help to wander whether because I practice mind hypnotization so frequently in my earlier youth that somehow gave me the ability to focus myself so deeply so, and yet let my mind, heart, and soul entirely unrestrained.
     For once, and perhaps for the last time in my life, I was able to travel and be one with the vast and boundless space and time infinite. There was no I. No consciousness, nor subconsciousness. There was no self.
     I don’t just talk, "I am one with space and time," for I felt it, I saw it, I experienced it.
     There was no rush, no anxiety, no passion, no awe nor resentment, and it was not even a floating kinda feeling one feels when deeply in love or while drunk.
     I am very much tempted to say that it feels like an eternal peaceful feeling, but this feels more like an ‘indescribable’ peaceful feeling.
     Now, I reflected back to my younger days when I would occasionally spurted out that "I was born in this world for a mission, a mission I know not of." This self-reflection reminded me in concurrent with the previous thought written, that it was not just "I" who felt this, but many more souls that I have not taken into account of previously, be they be from the past, present, or the future.
     Is it in naught to repeat such question as, "What has Thou, my Lord, ordained me to accomplish in this world?" Per chance, wisdom in mind, it would be more suited for me to state, "Ready or not, I am Yours for Thy bidding, my Lord."
     It was déjà vu all over again.
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Andrias Y.
3.34 AM
December 21, 2007

     Dreams are murky at its best, and at times present themselves as nothing more than snapshots, bits and pieces, of the past interspersed with imaginations and the subconscious.
     Half an hour or so ago, I was still sleeping. The brief moment before I consciously opened my eyelids and forced myself out of bed, my mind carried with itself a fleeting and hazy dream about me and about a special woman who once entered my life.
     I only recalled that the dream jumbled in snapshots of my memory about the experiences we had together. The dream stirred my emotion (when I was still sleeping) to experience several emotions within a short time frame.
     There was happiness, peacefulness, anger, bitterness, disappointment, regret, love, and forgiveness.
     When my subconscious mind receded in the control of my mind, and the conscious mind enters, I thought to myself, "Man…, what a strange dream…"
     I tried to draw myself back into sleep, after all, it was only 2:00 AM post Idul Adha in Indonesia. But somehow something inside of me couldn’t do just that. As consciousness gathers strength, I quickly reflected shortly on my past, and that gnawing question resurfaced again…
     "Did I do the right thing by letting her go?"
     A few blank blank period went by, and my heart and conscience spoke to my mind gently.
     "Back then, you were still inexperienced. She was, after all, the first true love of your life that you put so much heart and soul into. She was also the first in more ways than one. There are memories there, good memories aside from the few bad ones. Cherish those good memories."
     My legs half unexpectedly carried me to my computer downstairs, and I steeled my resolve to reply to a message she sent me quite a while back through Friendster. I owe her at least that much. A courtesy on my part to reply her good wishes. I owe her that.
     There are many things that happened and can happen in one’s short life. May romances, many intrigues, many unresolved things. Sometimes, I feel the heart and the mind carry too many unnecessary burdens that restraint the soul from being free, …and, from speaking freely.
     I am now reminded of a phrase from a poem I once wrote when my thoughts and heart were with her, "What dreams may come, let them come." I was won over by the phrase after watching Robbin Williams’s movie, "What Dream May Come." A movie about a man who goes to Heaven, and yet after discovering that his wife goes to Hell, he journeys to Hell to rescue her soul.
     His love and compassion for his wife touched me so.
     And here, finally at last, I conclude this blog with words from Hamlet.
     "For in that sleep of death what dreams may come. When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, must give us pause."
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Andrias Y.
3:03 AM
December 21, 2007