a silly dream
Dreams are murky at its best, and at times present themselves as nothing more than snapshots, bits and pieces, of the past interspersed with imaginations and the subconscious.
Half an hour or so ago, I was still sleeping. The brief moment before I consciously opened my eyelids and forced myself out of bed, my mind carried with itself a fleeting and hazy dream about me and about a special woman who once entered my life.
I only recalled that the dream jumbled in snapshots of my memory about the experiences we had together. The dream stirred my emotion (when I was still sleeping) to experience several emotions within a short time frame.
There was happiness, peacefulness, anger, bitterness, disappointment, regret, love, and forgiveness.
When my subconscious mind receded in the control of my mind, and the conscious mind enters, I thought to myself, "Man…, what a strange dream…"
I tried to draw myself back into sleep, after all, it was only 2:00 AM post Idul Adha in Indonesia. But somehow something inside of me couldn’t do just that. As consciousness gathers strength, I quickly reflected shortly on my past, and that gnawing question resurfaced again…
"Did I do the right thing by letting her go?"
A few blank blank period went by, and my heart and conscience spoke to my mind gently.
"Back then, you were still inexperienced. She was, after all, the first true love of your life that you put so much heart and soul into. She was also the first in more ways than one. There are memories there, good memories aside from the few bad ones. Cherish those good memories."
My legs half unexpectedly carried me to my computer downstairs, and I steeled my resolve to reply to a message she sent me quite a while back through Friendster. I owe her at least that much. A courtesy on my part to reply her good wishes. I owe her that.
There are many things that happened and can happen in one’s short life. May romances, many intrigues, many unresolved things. Sometimes, I feel the heart and the mind carry too many unnecessary burdens that restraint the soul from being free, …and, from speaking freely.
I am now reminded of a phrase from a poem I once wrote when my thoughts and heart were with her, "What dreams may come, let them come." I was won over by the phrase after watching Robbin Williams’s movie, "What Dream May Come." A movie about a man who goes to Heaven, and yet after discovering that his wife goes to Hell, he journeys to Hell to rescue her soul.
His love and compassion for his wife touched me so.
And here, finally at last, I conclude this blog with words from Hamlet.
"For in that sleep of death what dreams may come. When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, must give us pause."
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Andrias Y.
3:03 AM
December 21, 2007
